This title intrigued you because you are probably an artist looking for something to share that a relative can read that will help them talk to you with all your sensibilities. Look no further (and read no further) because this article is for them. Send it to your Aunt Cheryl’s Facebook wall. Email it to your step-dad, Karl. Tweet it to your little cousin, Jermaine.
I even implore you to email ALL your podcast listeners. I got you.
PLAY UP (belittle) an Artist’s side jobs
Most artists have to work side jobs to afford their dreams. That is dumb because if they were good at what they did, they wouldn’t need a side job. Anyway, it’s pretty funny that sometimes they will be on stage in front of a bunch of people and then they have to go work at a deli to spoon chicken salad into plastic bowls for teenage girls. If you know an artist with a side job, be sure to ask them about that as the first thing you say to them. Be sure to add an appropriate amount of snark. Here is a little play for that scenario:
So Cory, still (insert unrespectable job like: waiting tables, walking dogs, nursing, moving furniture, nannying)? OOF.
Cory: *starts crying and saves us time by NOT talking*
NEVER Learn the Lingo
Artists love when you don’t use the right lingo for their work. Comedians call a collection of their jokes a “set” but feel free to use the term “skits.” If an artist paints, call them “drawings.” If a sculptor sculpts, call them “lego buildings.” Most artists don’t make much money so feel free to remind them that your taxes are higher than their earnings. Be sure to throw the word “little” before referring to anything they are doing. Examples includes:
- I saw your “little” commercial.
- I heard your “little” song on the radio but I wasn’t pay much attention.
- I can’t believe you live off such little “little” money.
Artists LOVE Criticism
The problem with artists today is that NOT enough people are telling them what to do with their lives. You can change that! Tell them what they are doing wrong with their work. You haven’t even see their work? EVEN BETTER!
Compare artists to highly successful people. Know someone who paints? Compare them to Vincent van Gogh (pronounced Cough with a G) Know someone who sculpts? Sculptors should be compared to the scene in Ghost. Comedians should be compared to another comedian that is wildly successful. However, do it by race to add that extra knife twist. Know a white comic? Compare them to Louis CK. Know an indian comic? Compare them to Russell Peters. Know a black comic? Compare them to Aziz Ansari. Hell, you can even compare them to a funny video of a dog being unable to catch a ball in it’s mouth. Same difference.
You don’t have to respect anybody. It’s your freedom as an American to treat people based on your mood for that day. If any of these weirdos have a response, tell them you’re comfortable calling their parents and telling them that their little artist is spending most of the money they are receiving on drugs. It doesn’t even have to be true but that should shut them up and get them back to filling up people’s waters or bagging dog poop.