The perfect wedding? Sounds almost nuts. How can someone never married even begin to write an article in staging someone’s perfect day? Easy, I’ve been to countless weddings as a victim of circumstance. After watching family members get hitched, my older brother’s friends tie the knot and my own friends take the plunge, you learn a few things. Here are my notes:
Let’s begin by getting rid of that old bullshit that this special day is for one person (usually the person who wanted it more) A wedding should be looked at as a show you are putting on for your friends and family. Your significant other can be the star but he or she must acknowledge that the wedding is the show and it must go on despite it’s setbacks.
Once you do that, follow these simple steps and you can be attending a wedding of everyone’s dreams.
God Awful Songs:
Couples ready to marry often provide a list of music to be played. Sometimes, they can even afford a band to play said songs. If you are too broke to afford a band, tell the DJ to avoid these songs:
Lyric: “this woman is my destiny, Shut up and Dance with me” – that band I didn’t even bother looking up but you know what song I’m talking about. If you don’t, google it and I’m sorry. That song sucks.
Lyric: Masel Tov, La heim – by the Black Eyed Peas. That is definitely not the song’s name but it might as well be because Jews love to play it at every Bar/Bat Mitzvah. That song stinks to high heaven.
Electric Slide – that song stinks. It comes with a dance that everyone should know? This isn’t She’s All That and the DJ sure as shit isn’t Usher. Also, that reference is also old so don’t think hypocrisy isn’t everywhere. Absolute trash song.
Anything from the 50s-70s. Even if you’re a fan of music from that decade, it’s inexcusable to annoy your guests. This is a day of celebration, not a listening session in your room.
Leave Your Diet Out the Wedding!
Nothing worse than attending a wedding where the bride and groom’s lifestyle permeate nay.. stink up a wedding. You’re a vegan? Offer vegan OPTIONS. Don’t make the guests eat leaves and almond milk. Every wedding should celebrate love by eating something our waist will hate. Holding your guests hostage at your wedding to eat grass may just be as cruel as the animals being killed to be turned into appetizers but these people took the time out of their day to celebrate your stupid love, something they would never do otherwise. Don’t make them suffer for it.
So many traditions have become standard in weddings from all backgrounds. The ones that have made it to the top are the daddy daughter dance and speeches.
The bride and father of the bride dance:
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE BRIDE DANCE WITH HER DAD. It’s weird and boring. You got some old man dancing with his daughter like she’s 7. She’s a grown ass woman and he’s an even more grown ass man. Every daddy daughter dance reminds of when you see gold diggers with their reptile looking husbands. Guuuuuuhhhhhhrrossss.
This is one part of any wedding I almost look forward to because of its potential to be terrible. Nothing greater than listening to someone bomb at a wedding. It is puzzling why weddings are the one time where we allow family and friends to have a vocal opinion. If you’re going to let someone speak, it should be the person funding the wedding. He or She should be allowed to talk because they earned it by giving you, your dumb family, and friends a place to blow his or her money. If you decide to let someone who didn’t fund the wedding talk, make sure they are prepared. Prepared means having something somewhat memorized and ready to speak into a microphone. You have to keep in mind the person speaking is part of the show. If they stink, people talk. If they are hopeless, I will help them for $50. $100 if we have to meet in person. I have helped countless best man speeches go from shit to absolutely unforgettable. Hit me in the contacts.
Nope. Go to City Hall on a Tuesday and do that shit with the rest of the weirdos who want to get married.
There you have it. Follow my advice and you should be good to go. Leave a comment to let me know how wrong or right I may be on all of this.